secretkemis story (don't have a name... yet.)

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secretkemis story (don't have a name... yet.)

Post by Willcryptos on Tue Jul 15, 2014 11:44 am

prologe: BANG! the rotting door slamed shut with a loud bang. the old man got shakily to his feet, but fell down because the stones were shiftng. he had just been there for 12 years, slowly starving. he had just been invited to a feast, but he had declined. they had purpled in the face, and then whipped him. it had happened every month, 144 days of scars. he slumped to the ground in defeat, and let his head fall against the wall.
" please," he muttered," if anybodys there, please..... rescue me...." then the old king aurthur fell into a fit full sleep.

chapter 1: the visit i shot to my feet, looking wildly arounnd the room. then i recognized where i was. My room. My old, lovable room, soon to become my ex-room. Boxes were stacked percariously all over the room, about to go to the moving truck. I rubbed my eyes, then looked in the mirror. my red hair was kinked and rumpled, and my light purple eyes were bright and twinkling. my pjs were rumpled, too, but were still the bright pink color. i then weaved my way to the hallway, then paused before i excited the room. The walls were bare, and the house seemed cold and unframilier. Everybody was already in the kitchen, eating on boxes.
mom glanced up.
" Hi sweetie. breakfast is fried chicken. want some?" i nodded, and she grabbed a paper plate and put two drumsticks on it. I plopped down on a box and started eating. All of the sudden, someone knocked on the door. "Alisha, can you get the door?" my mom asked.
“sure." i replied. i sat my plate on my box, and walked to the door. when i answeared it, a strange man was there. he looked a little like a secret service,with his watch, glasses, and micraphone. he also emited a quiet arura.
"does," he looked at a piece of paper, " Alisha Pendragon live here?" he asked quietly. i swalowed, and and said nervously,
"um, thats, um, me." he nodded.
"May i intrude upon your hospitality?" i glanced at my mom, who nodded.
"um, yeah. come in." i stepped back from the door, and he came in. he had to duck a little.
" I have a message," he stated importantly. " from the president. it's for Alisha. " he grabbed a new paper, cleared his throught, and began.

chapter 2: the leter “ Dear Alisha, i am writting to you now , because we believe we have found alvalon. However, we need a direct desendant, or Arthur himself, to enter. there are few in the world with the last name of Pendragon. I have investigated their lineage, and you are of his lineage. the rest legally changed their last name to Pendragon.

I am organzing a quest, and am writting to you to see if you will come. It may be dangerous, but we feel that will be able to handle it. As a direct desendant of arthur, when asked to do something knighty, you will be able to do it, when we reach Avalon. If you chose to come on the quest, we will train you a bit, so you may be protected. Modorn weapons, and firearms, don’t work in Avalon. we will train you to use swords and the like, and how to be a knighty spy.

If you choose to accept, please go with Agent Daneils to the white house, where you will be given your training.
your leader of the country,
mr.prez. or mr.d, or sir. if you like.
chapter 3: going
my family stared at agent daneils in a shocked silence. Well, except for Sam. He stared at his food, deciding how to make a mess of it. I started to say i would love to go, but my mother interupted.
“ NO WAY, NO HOW!!! I don’t care it’s from the prezident! she is TOO YOUNG!!!”
“ But mom, i want to go!” i intervened. “ it would be educational. and if there is danger, i would be able to handle it. And it would be an amazing expirence.” i could tell that that did it. my mom gave in.
“Alright. you can go-” she was interupted by loud cheering from me. “ On one condition!” she shouted out, and the words rang out and around the linoleum kitchen.
“ the conditions, ma’m?” agent daneils asked.
“That she’ll be as protected as the prez, or more protected.”
he nodded. i almost cheered for joy, except for the look on my moms face. she looked as if someone had died. i had an awful feeling.
“mom.” she look at me with tears in her green eyes. “ i will be fine. i won’t die.” i looked at agent daneils, who said,
“ you have ten minutes to pack and say goodbye for now. go.”
i shot out of the room and up the stairs, rummaging through my multipule boxes, looking for things to take with me. i grabbed my tardis slouch bag, and stuffed things in it. after i was ready, i shot back down the stairs to say a tearful goodbye to my family. I then walked to agent daneils, and said i was ready to go. i had no idea what would happen in the next two weeks.




Last edited by secretkemi on Wed Jul 23, 2014 10:27 pm; edited 2 times in total

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atbashGSRIGB BVZIH YB MLD SZEV KZHHVW; GRNV XZM HVVN YLGS HOLD ZMW UZHG MLD MVD XSROWIVM UZXV GSV GVHG; OVG'H SLKV GSV KRMVH GDRMH IZRHVW GSV YVHG
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Re: secretkemis story (don't have a name... yet.)

Post by awkward.pluto on Thu Jul 17, 2014 12:29 pm

Let me just say, before I start grammar proofing this, that you are a good writer. I love the writing style. Some books, I love the plot lines but I can't get through the book because of how the author told the story. You tell this story well.
 Smile 
♥️"Excited" I think is meant to be exited. ("before i exited the room")
♥️"unframiler" Is probably Unfamiliar. ("the house seemed cold and unfamiliar")
♥️I would suggest when you said "eating on boxes" you could change that to: (for more clarity) "Using boxes as tables"
♥️At one point you wrote "and and" (I swalowed, and and said nervously")
♥️"swalowed" is actually spelled "swallowed"
♥️When you said "everybody was already in the kitchen" I was imagining older brothers. But then why is Alisha going on a quest if she has older brothers. What makes her more qualified as a descendant of Arthur? Her entire family would be descendants. Actually, her Mom would have married into the line and her dad would have been a more direct descendant than Alisha. Basically what I'm saying here is: It would be wise to explain Why SHE is going on the quest despite her older brothers and father.
♥️Why did the President put "Mr. D"? What's the president's Last Name?
Hope I was able to help you edit and proof read your story. Have fun writing!
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Re: secretkemis story (don't have a name... yet.)

Post by Willcryptos on Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:09 pm

happy? i editededed it a little. Mad 
thats me being slightly annoyed at you. silly.

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Re: secretkemis story (don't have a name... yet.)

Post by jesswrightica on Sat Jul 19, 2014 10:28 am

Great story so far! I can't wait to see what happens next! There are just a few things. They're not big things and you don't have to change it if you don't want to, they are just suggestions Smile
1. Modorn is spelled Modern in the second chapter, second paragraph, last sentence. Spelling can be such a pain (especially when you have dyslexia like me) but it is really key for getting anything published in the writing business.
2. Whenever a new person talks, you should make a new paragraph. It confuses the reader less as to who is talking when ya do that. And, if you look in published books, they tend to follow the exact same rule. Now you don't have to do this if ya don't want to; it's just a suggestion to help your writing look the best it can.
3. Just another optional thing, I'm having trouble totally envisioning everything. You know books that make you feel like you can see everything like a movie? Those authors put a ton of work in describing the setting and characters in the story. What I got from your story is that there's an old man who is apparently King Arthur who is locked in a room (don't know what the state of the room is) and he's been beat up many, many times. Then there is this girl: Alisha (who we have no idea what she looks like) and she is moving out of her house soon. That was actually described well with the family eating on top of boxes (but we still don't know anyone else in the family besides her and her mother). Smile Also, the secret service guy was described very well. I could see him in my head. Try adding a few descriptive words to the setting and characters. It makes the story that much more enjoyable!

Now, I don't tell ya these things to be rude or annoying. I tell them to you as helpful criticism to help your writing improve and become better. (Also, I'm a nerd and I've researched a lot about writing stories.) Writing is all about writing, re-writing, and re-writing again until you have a wonderful story that is worthy of all the hard work you put into it.
I love your story idea and can't wait to see what happens next! Write on!~

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The electricity in my head seemed to jump to my eyes, causing the whole room to look like it was filled with electrical energy. My lungs were soon filled with the electricity, also my hands, feet, and heart!
Markus's Powers:
1. Electrical healing with his hands. Only can seal up wounds though, not magical healthy thing.
2. Can see electrical currents.
3. Can withstand electrical shocks. it makes him stronger.
4. Runs super fast. Gets tired when a lot of electricity is used.
5. Plasma ball from his mouth. Takes him a while to charge up though.
6. Can discharge electricity from any part of his body.


THIS IS ASH THE AWESOME TALKING!!!



MARCH!!!
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Re: secretkemis story (don't have a name... yet.)

Post by Willcryptos on Wed Jul 23, 2014 10:02 pm

yeah. i think i will do what you suggested. if it's not to hard for me. if i acidentily miss something, could you tell me? thanks!

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Re: secretkemis story (don't have a name... yet.)

Post by Willcryptos on Wed Jul 23, 2014 10:29 pm

whew. i just finished editing and adding chapter three. please give me more input! and i might be able to post a picture of what she looks like. i don't know. but hopefully you can visulise her clearly.

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Re: secretkemis story (don't have a name... yet.)

Post by Willcryptos on Wed Jul 23, 2014 10:29 pm

although, expect more tomarrow! * squels with excitement*

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